Pick Your Battles Wisely To Handle Your Tweens Right, Is The Mantra This Mom Believes In

It seems almost overnight that that cute, cuddly little boy who wanted to climb into my lap all the time, suddenly wants to spend all his time alone. The little boy who wanted to spend every morning when he wakes up by my side has suddenly started locking his room doors, claiming privacy. Every time I pass by his room I am confronted with a locked door. As long as I am certain there is nothing wrong happening behind that closed door (which in his case, I am), I tell myself I shouldnt make a big deal about it. I am trying to give him the freedom to express whatever he wants, even if it is something as bizarre as Im thinking I should stay up till 3 am tonight. Finding the right balance is not easy and you need to give it time.

There are tons of information and advice available nowadays on how to raise kids. Right from changing diapers, to what to feed them and what books to read to them for a sound sleep- we have it all covered. And with little kids it usually works beautifully. They are predictable, their issues are usually common, and they respond to situations in expected ways. But then they grow up – all too soon, and suddenly evolve into a different species altogether!

My little boy – my first baby – is suddenly 12 years old now. It seems almost overnight that that cute, cuddly little boy who wanted to climb into my lap all the time, suddenly wants to spend all his time alone. He has seemed to have evolved into this new person – physically, emotionally and socially; and it has caught me completely off-guard. I find myself in this new situation and feel like I’ve had no time to prepare myself for it. The onset of adolescence – the tween years.

I see manifestations of it in small things. The little boy who wanted to spend every morning when he wakes up by my side has suddenly started locking his room doors, claiming privacy. Every time I pass by his room I am confronted with a locked door. And it irritates me no end. I knock and ask him what he’s doing that’s so personal.

His answer is always something innocent like – “Reading”.

“So why do you need to lock your door if you’re reading?”

“No reason. I just want to. But if you don’t want me to I won’t.”

I feel relieved. My baby, who listens to his mommy, still exists in there somewhere.

And then again five minutes later I find the door bolted!

As a parent, it is natural for my mind to start racing and thinking the worst. Is he doing something dangerous? Or undesirable? Or Illegal? But then I tell myself that all he is doing is asserting his right to some privacy. As long as I am certain there is nothing wrong happening behind that closed door (which in his case, I am), I tell myself I shouldn’t make a big deal about it.

So now we have worked out a deal. He can close his door (but not lock it), and I need to knock before I enter. Either way, t is a win-win for both of us and made me realise that I should pick my battles wisely, However, even while I agree to this, I told him how this is not a right, but a privilege.

Another major change in him is in language and tone. As a mother, I tend to bombard my children with a splurge of questions once they return from school (ascertaining my love for the missed hours!). And my kids have also taken it in the right way, so far. They’ve always been happy to prattle away with me when they come home, and my daughter still is. But now my questions to the budding teenager are increasingly answered with one-word replies, often accompanied by eye-rolls. To my utter frustration, direct questions now get me no answers.

So now what do I do? I am trying to adopt the opposite strategy. I go sit around with him, and however difficult it might be for me, I ask no questions. I wait. When he has spent a bit of time around me, and knows he has my complete and undivided attention he opens up on his own. By changing my stance to that of a listener rather than an interviewer, I make him feel encouraged to talk. And I curb my temptation to interrupt or disagree with him. I am trying to give him the freedom to express whatever he wants, even if it is something as bizarre as “I’m thinking I should stay up till 3 am tonight.” I am learning that the moment I resist it, he will want to do it more. But when he sees no specific reaction from me, he expresses it and even forgets about it.

There is also now a huge change in the kind of music he listens to and the stuff he watches. And an important way to connect with him is to watch it with him, and (at least pretend to) enjoy it. If he sees me laugh at something he finds funny, he opens up instantly. He will suddenly become all chatty and then show me ten more videos (which I somehow endure!)

This age is a confusing one, as much for the child as it is for the parent. Finding the right balance is not easy and you need to give it time. But what I am aspiring to do is keep my communication channels open. I want to be that safe place even in his new world. That one place where he will always always be loved. And accepted.