A Teenager Writes On Building Better Bonds With Parents

This article has been co-authored by a teenager, Urshita Sharma

Ever since I was a child, I prided myself on the fact that I told my parents everything that went on in my life. What!? I did not lead a boring life, guys. I was a very popular and intelligent girl *flips hair* However that did not last for long. As soon as I entered my teens, I started withdrawing from my parents, especially my dad. I was apparently a daddy’s girl. To this day, I don’t have any concrete reasons but if I was to pick one then it was because I felt I wasn’t really being heard.

I felt my words, my thoughts, my wants were being disregarded because I was a kid. But I was a teenager now, I was told I had to act like one so I was confused. Trust me when I tell you that the confusion, the anxiety of not really knowing how you’re “supposed” to act, what’s “socially acceptable” and what clothes are “appropriate” really affects a teen’s mental health. 

What does a teen do then?

So naturally, I withdrew from my parents and if that wasn’t enough, some part of me started blaming them. I blamed them when I started losing friends, when I didn’t do well academically, even when I would fall down while playing (I was a weird kid XD). It became a vicious cycle. Anything that did not go my way and made me feel bad or angry was because of my parents. What I didn’t realize at that point of time was that I was self-destructing.

I was pushing away the only people who would always stand on my side no matter what. I had created this huge wall between my parents and I, and it was solely because of my ego issues that I couldn’t bring myself to break. Now before all of you get offended by me for blaming teenagers, their issues for all relationship problems, you need to understand that we’re all learning, even our parents.

Every parent is different

Our parents learnt how to become parents when we were born, they weren’t given a manual on how to raise a child or honestly, we all would’ve become robots. There is no right or wrong in parenting and just because your friend’s parents are a bit more “chill” than yours, doesn’t make your parents or their parenting bad. 

“Our parents learnt how to become parents when we were born, they weren’t given a manual on how to raise a child.”

Fast forward to 9th grade, I had a math exam and I didn’t perform well. No, I hadn’t got my grades yet, I just knew (third eye guys). I was absolutely terrified of telling my parents because I couldn’t stop thinking of what the consequences would be. So what did I do? I ran away from home. WAIT WAIT!! It’s a joke- GenZ. I didn’t run away, I spoke to someone who I thought could help me. Now this person can be anybody for you a guys – a friend, a relative, a teacher etc. For me, it was my school’s counsellor.

Whatever I had been feeling for all those years, it was all word vomit in front of her.

To this day I still remember her advise. She simply told me that the key to a better relationship was communication. I had to tell my parents what was going on in my head in order for us to come to a solution and for them to understand as to why I was acting the way I was. Just keeping it inside only led to more negative thoughts in my head. 

When did this change?

In school, it was pretty common to hear the students talk about how they hid stuff from their parents, how they lied when going out and the most surprising, personally for me, was when a friend of mine told me that her parents didn’t care about her academics and what she did in her life. That hit me so hard and I found myself thinking – “I can’t ever imagine living like that. Being so disconnected from the people who brought me into this world.” Yes, I might not agree with everything they told me but instead of reacting first, I could think and talk to them about it.

I would put forth my point of view firmly but politely. 9th grade changed me in a lot of ways and thankfully for the better. 

I’ll let you in on a few pointers that worked for me and I believe they might be able to help you in building better bonds with your parents – 

 1. Communication

Like I mentioned above, communication is the key. Nobody, not even your parents know what’s going on inside your head. Make them understand your point of view in a firm but polite manner. Always be respectful. 

2. Give & take

It’s a two-way street. You can’t keep expecting without giving anything in return. If you want a new phone but you won’t stop talking back to your parents, well then I’m sorry, but that’s just you being a brat. So, no phone for you. Yes, I said what I said. 

3. Listen & try to empathize

Take it from a fellow teenager, the hardest thing we have to encounter is listening to our parents and even harder is putting ourselves in their shoes. I get it but only when you actually listen and observe what they do, you will begin to foster a mutual understanding.

4. Eat meals together

Yes, friends are everything and blah blah. Eating together as a family can often to lead to great conversations and bonding time. Put your phone away for a while and just live in the moment with your parents. Ask them about their day, their work and just enjoy each other’s company. 

5. Love language

My love language with my parents is talking to them and just randomly hugging them. Though they act surprised and become suspicious because they think it’s because I want something (okay fine sometimes but not every time) I know it means a lot to them. Figure out what’s your love language. It could be from eating, shopping with them to just saying ‘I love you’ to them once in a while. 

A lot of you might wonder why it’s important to do this. What’s the point of changing anything in your relationship with your parents when you you think that it’s fine the way it is? It’s simple. You become happier. You feel lighter. And I say this with experience. As a college student today, I’m extremely proud to say that I share a beautiful relationship with my parents. I tell my mom everything that goes on in my life.

Is it an obligation?

No, I’m not forced to do it. I do it willingly because I believe I owe it to them as an adult now. You can be an adult, have freedom and enjoy your life while still letting your parents be a part of it too.

My relationship with them didn’t change in one night. Nope, it took months but eventually it did. Because both my parents and I realized that we were losing out on precious time together. I’m not saying it’s not going to change for you as well, but it will take time. Give it time, give your parents time and most importantly, give yourself time. You matter, your thoughts, wants, likes and dislikes matter. The day you decide to give the above 5 ways a try, I believe you as well as your parents will come out of it as changed and happier people.

Until next time, 

Just another teen.